things im not allowed to do at hogwarts
by LittleMissWolff
Summary: a list of thing i am not allowed to do in hogwarts no matter how funny it is. contains multiple references.
1. 1 - 100

what im not allowed to do in hogwarts.

1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in  
>bees".<br>2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures  
>class.<br>3. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.  
>4. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.<br>5. I will not go to class skyclad.  
>6. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.<br>7. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "I told you I was hardcore".  
>8. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".<br>9. I will not insist the house elves serve fried snake to the Slytherins.  
>10. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.<br>11. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.  
>12. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a<br>clever moneymaking concept.  
>13. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".<br>14. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".  
>15. I will not tye-dye all of the owls.<br>16. I will not reenact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall  
>17. Or anywhere else for that matter.<br>18. I will not shave Mrs. Norris.  
>19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".<br>20. I will not write all my essays in red ink claiming it is blood.  
>21. I will not ask Lupin if it his time of the month.<br>22. I will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast to Coast AM transcripts.  
>23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.<br>24. I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause.  
>25. I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.<br>26. I am not a sloth Animagus.  
>27. I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwicks wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.<br>28. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or pirahna.  
>29. I do not weight the same as a duck.<br>30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.  
>31. I am not allowed to wear death eater robes to dinner and shout Long live Lord Voldemort because I think its funny.<br>32. I will not kiss Trevor.  
>33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.<br>34. Skiving Snackboxes are not a suitable gift for first-years.  
>35. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.<br>36. I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snapes private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, as  
>it is disturbing.<br>37. I will not mock Dumbledore with exaggerated limb movements.  
>38. I am not allowed to draw a smiley face on my arm and tell everyone its the new Dark Mark.<br>39. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.  
>40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.<br>41. I will not insist that the trees in the Forbidden Forest are Ent wives.  
>42. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.<br>43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.  
>44. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.<br>45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.  
>46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".<br>47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.  
>48. I will not ask Ginny how to properly strangle a chicken.<br>49. If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have said so already.  
>50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.<br>51. Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.  
>52. I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley's forehead.<br>53. Filch does not have a sister named Magenta.  
>54. I will refrain from wearing black leather gloves at all times and saying "Hogwarts is mother, Hogwarts is father".<br>55. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients, and I will not resell their products as "Veela  
>Pheremones".<br>56. I will not refer to the Slytherin dorms as "the Tremere chantry".  
>57. The Malfoys are not Draka.<br>58. Hogwarts does not have a student council. Even if it did, they would not wear the rose seal. Therefore I will cease  
>going after the prefects with a sword.<br>59. Richard Upton Pickman did not paint The Fat Lady.  
>60. I will not refer to Umbridge as Queen of the Toads, even if she really is.<br>61. I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt.  
>62. The Giant Squid has never made an appearance in any hentai film.<br>63. It is wrong to refer to Aragog as "Charlotte".  
>64. Professor Flitwick's first name in not Yoda.<br>65. I will not refer to the hippogryph as "Horseybird".  
>66. I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.<br>67. -Or any other Slytherin.  
>68. I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves.<br>69. I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.  
>70. -Nor am I the Care of Witches Underwear Professor.<br>71. -I am not a Professor, at all.  
>72. I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.<br>73. -I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.  
>74. -It was not an honest mistake.<br>74. I will not swap Draco's broom with one out of Filch's broom cupboard.  
>76. I am no longer allowed in the student laundry.<br>77. -Or the teacher laundry.  
>78. Nor am I allowed to ever cast an Invisibility charm again.<br>79. While wand safety is an important issue, I am no longer allowed to distribute any pamphlet, which makes reference to  
>Belinda the Buttless.<br>80. It is generally accepted that Cats and Dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory,  
>no matter how wicked the result would be.<br>81. I will not give any girl a one half of a set of two-way mirrors as a Christmas present.  
>82. -Especially if I don't tell her what it is.<br>83. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled firewhiskey.  
>84. -Charming the label does not change anything.<br>85. I am not allowed to eat Chocolate Frogs in Potions class.  
>86. -Even if I brought enough for everyone.<br>87. -Emptying a bag full of them onto Professor Snape's desk to prove this last is unacceptable behavior.  
>88. Peeves may not countermand any of my professors' or prefects' orders.<br>89. No matter what Professor Umbridge may tell me to the contrary, I am not authorized to form press gangs.  
>90. Chemistry and Potions don't mix.<br>91. -Testing this last is not funny.  
>92. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that.<br>93. May not mock Professor Umbridge in front of the press.  
>94. I may not speak Latin in front of the books.<br>95. The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good  
>authority that you have no evidence."<br>96. May not insinuate that all beautiful American exchange students to Gryffindor or Slytherin House in Harry Potter's  
>Year are Lockhart's misbegotten heirs, even if it's true.<br>97. I am not possesed by the ghost of Lady MacBeth.  
>98. -Neither is The Fat Lady.<br>99. When someone accuses me of not wearing any drawers, I should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong is  
>indecent.<br>100. -Especially if I can't.


	2. 101 - 200

101. If someone's House Badge is green and mine is purple, it means they are in Slytherin House. It does not mean "The  
>Sorting Hat thinks they're dumber than me."<br>102. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on the school grounds, not even for  
>entertainment purposes.<br>103. Professor Snape does not enjoy being called "Snookums".  
>104. -Neither does he respond favorably to "Sev", "Snapey-Poo" or "Debbie".<br>105. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.  
>106. Hagrid does not have relationships with magical creatures, and I should stop implying that he does.<br>107. I am not authorised to sell incriminating pictures of the faculty to students.  
>108. -Giving the same pictures out free of charge is also frowned upon.<br>109. Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in June.  
>110. House Elf stew is not on the Hogwarts menu, neither is Niffler Curry, so I should stop asking.<br>111. A wand is for magic only; it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I  
>become.<br>112. It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape's personal postbox.  
>113. I will stop referring to Hufflepuffs as "cannon fodder."<br>114. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.  
>115. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"<br>116. My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf."  
>117. Neville is not my valet.<br>118. When given a directive by my house prefect, I should not insist that "we don't need no stinking badges."  
>119. First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.<br>120. I will not threaten the Fat Lady with Dip.  
>121. House ghosts do not regularly "slime" anyone.<br>122. Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.  
>123. There is no "open-mike night" at Hogwarts.<br>124. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.  
>125. There is no bring a muggle to school day.<br>126. And I should stop insisting there is.  
>127. I should not ask Professor McGonagall if, while in cat form, she has ever coughed up a hairball.<br>128. I must not spread rumors that Lucius Malfoy is, was, or ever will be known in Death Eater circles as "Dobby's  
>homeboys."<br>129. The fact that Draco Malfoy is short, blond, pale-eyed and rat-faced is no reason for me to tell the Slytherins that  
>Peter Pettigrew should be paying Narcissa child support.<br>130. I will not say that Harry Potter's godfather has "taken the veil."  
>131. When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will not lift my wand skyward and shout,<br>"There can be only ONE!"  
>132. I will not refer to any Death Eaters as "Trixie.<br>133. -Even if it is a legitimate nickname.  
>134. I will not tell the Muggleborn first-years that the Forbidden Forest's real name is Mirkwood.<br>135. I must not start a "Vetinari for Minister of Magic" campaign.  
>136. I am not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom.<br>137. I should not tell anyone that Dean Thomas's nickname is John.  
>138. I will not go to any fundamentalist websites and argue that Voldemort is a direct contradiction of the concept of<br>"intelligent design.  
>139. The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.<br>140. Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from "Phantom of the  
>Opera.<br>141. I should not refer to DADA professors as "canaries in the coal mine.  
>142. I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life." to Lord Voldemort.<br>143. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.  
>144. I will not send pictures of magical creatures to the Weekly World News.<br>145. I will not cover myself in ectoplasm and walk out of a fireplace, saying I took the "Flu Network".  
>146. I will not refer to "The Grim" as a nice doggy.<br>147. I will not refer to Professor Lupin as a nice doggy.  
>148. I will not ask Professor Sprout where the Jolly Green Giant is.<br>149. I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The  
>Chamber of Secrets".<br>150. I am not permitted to utter the line: "Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a _ out of my hat!" during Charms class.  
>151. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I<br>its founder.  
>152. When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as<br>my greatest influence at Hogwarts.  
>153. Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either.<br>154. I am not allowed to ink my owl's feet, have it walk across a parchment, and sell the result as cheat sheets for  
>Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.<br>155. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".  
>156. I will no longer wear a hood, walk up to Harry, and claim to be his real mother.<br>157. I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L.  
>exams.<br>158. Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".  
>159. A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.<br>160. Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy.  
>161. Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.<br>162. Professor McGonagall does not have an inappropriate relationship with Mrs. Norris.  
>163. I will not create a pin-up calendar of the Slytherin girls and call it "Voldie's Angels".<br>164. Professor Flitwick has heard all the "swish and flick" jokes before, and is very, very tired of them.  
>165. I will not send Professor Snape toothpaste and Shampoo for Christmas.<br>166. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.  
>167. I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.<br>168. I will not refer to Professor McGonagall as Catwoman, no matter how funny she would look in tight leather.  
>169. -Nor will I ask her if she is Catwoman in disguise.<br>170. I am not to ask if Lord Voldemort is secretly Hitler or Osama bin Laden.  
>171. I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.<br>172. I will not die the Death Eaters robes pink.  
>173. Hummingsinging/referring in any way to Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf" around Professor Lupin is  
>inappropriate. It's best not to bring up "Thriller", either.<br>174. Insisting that the school acquire computers and network the buildings is a pointless request as they claim that a  
>quill and parchment is sufficient.<br>175. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.  
>176. Taking red paint and writing creepy messages on the walls is not funny, either.<br>177. If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does DEATH!" may be correct but is not the manner  
>in which one should answer.<br>178. Not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.  
>179. I am not allowed to eat lollipops within Professor Snape's sight ever again.<br>180. I will never again use the spell used to enchant bludgers on peas.  
>181. -Or tomatoes, plums, oranges, or any other food item. Or any other item that is not a Bludger.<br>182. I may not have a private army.  
>183. -Not even if it technically belongs to someone else.<br>184. I should not encourage the house-elves to unionize.  
>185. I must stop referring to the professors by the embarrassing nicknames they acquired in their school days.<br>186. I must not substitute chocolate-flavored laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate.  
>187. Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.<br>188. "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an  
>experimental spell.<br>189. Portable Swamps are not funny.  
>190. Revel fires are to be danced around. It is not appropriate to dispose of old love letters or other sensitive<br>documents in them.  
>191. Bubotubers are not filled with tasty honey, and it is wrong to tell First Years that they are.<br>192. Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying, "The library is closed for an indefinite time period" amusing in any sense.  
>193. Mad-Eye Moody knows his eye is creepy, he does not need to be told... again.<br>194. Stealing first-years' clothing and then tossing it into and around the whomping willow is highly frowned at.  
>195. Mrs. Norris does not like playing with blast-ended skrewts.<br>196. Sneaking slugs into Ron's food is not funny. He does not like being reminded of his incident.  
>197. Trying to out-argue a Slytherin will lead to no good.<br>198. Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.  
>199. I am not the wicked witch of the west.<br>200. -I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.201. I will not melt if water is poured over me.  
>202. -Neither will Professor Umbridge.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

203. I do not have a Cyberman Patronus.  
>204. I am not a Wirn animagus, either.<br>205. I will not ask Aragog if he came from Metabelis III.  
>206. -Or if he has any pretty blue crystals.<br>207. "Nessie is actually a cyborg created by the Zygons" is not an appropriate thing to say in Care of Magical Creatures  
>Class.<br>208. While it is appropriate to refer to Voldemort as "Master" while in his service, Voldemort and The Master are not  
>one and the same.<br>209. I cannot substitute Prydonian robes for my Hogwarts uniform.  
>210. -Nor can my winter scarf be longer than standard issue.<br>211. I cannot attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class.  
>212. -Or transform a pepperpot into a Dalek.<br>213. Lucius Malfoy is not my "sugar daddy" and I will not claim he is.  
>214. -That goes double when Draco Malfoy is within earshot.<br>215. A time turner is not a flux capacitator, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle cars.  
>216. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.<br>217. I will not levitate everywhere in a big pink bubble.  
>218. My professors have neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills.<br>219. No part of the school uniform is edible.  
>220. -Not allowed to make any part of the school uniform edible.<br>221. Not allowed to take house points from firsties for "being too goddamned short".  
>222. Never, ever, attempt to correct Professor Moody about anything.<br>223. I must not refer to Headmaster Dumbledore as "Mum".  
>224. -Nor Professor Snape.<br>225. Not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.  
>226. -Not allowed to use silencing charms my Prefects.<br>227. -Not allowed to use silencing charms, period.  
>228. Not allowed to prophesy the end of the world more than once.<br>229. Will not offer to sell Hagrid new creatures.  
>230. -Especially not if I actually have them.<br>231. Madame Hooch's name is just that, a name. Will not ask her to share.  
>232. -Also will not ask her to fly under the influence.<br>233. Will not try to recreate the Whomping Willow in herbology class.  
>234. Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens.<br>235. Will not charm Hermione's time turner to rotate every half-hour.  
>236. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do<br>it.  
>237. I am not allowed to charm the words Ferret Boy onto Dracos forehead.<br>238. I will not sell tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets.  
>239. Especially if it is only a one-way ticket.<br>240. Singing 99 Bottles of Potion on the wall nonstop repeatedly will result in a detention.  
>241. Playgirl and Playboy are not on the reading list for muggle studies.<br>242. Woad and other camoflage/body paints are not needed for DADA.  
>243. I may not challenge prefects to Meet me on the Quidditch field, at dawn.<br>244. I shouldn't throw Fanged-Frisbees in the Great Hall.  
>245. I shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.<br>246. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born, even if I have access to a time turner.  
>247. I should not show up at the front gate wearing part of another houses uniform, messily drunk.<br>248. -Even if my prefect did it.  
>249. I will not only wear "Wizard hat, open robe &amp; tie" and call it an authorized uniform.<br>250. Teaching exchange students to taunt other Hufflepuffs is not nice.  
>251. When detained by dementors, I do not have a right to a strip search.<br>252. Do not dare first years to eat bugs. They will always do it.  
>253. I will not refer to McGonagall as "the cat-girl.<br>254. - Nor will I attempt to stop her transformation part way through.  
>255. - The same goes for Hermione.<br>256. I will not hand red shirts to the new DADA professor and claim that they're the standard uniform for the position.  
>257. I will not use invisibility charms on anyones clothing.<br>258. I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.  
>259. I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much<br>they injure themselves diving for cover.  
>260. I will not test my Potions assigments by spiking Snape's drink with them.<br>261. - Especially not all of them at once.  
>262. I will not try to hock off my old piercings as "priceless Muggle artifacts."<br>263. I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos.  
>264. It doesn't matter if he is going on vacation; I will not comment about how the Minister of Magic is "packing.<br>265. The Giant Squid is not to be referred to as 'my lord Cthulhu', nor am I allowed to sacrifice first years to it on  
>the new moon.<br>266. I will not attempt to set up a mobile phone mast on the Astronomy Tower.  
>267. - Likewise the satellite dish.<br>268. The Slytherin Gift to Virgins is fictional, and I should not be asking Draco Malfoy or any of the other Slytherin  
>boys if they've mastered it yet.<br>269. The Muggle known as George W. Bush is not related to or working for Lord Voldemort in any way, and I am to stop  
>insinuating that he is.<br>270. I will stop sending Professor Snape forged love notes that appear to be from Professor Lupin.  
>271. I will stop asking Professor Lupin exactly what goes on between him and Professor Snape when he brings him the<br>Wolfsbane potion every month.  
>272. Luna Lovegood does not have pointed ears, nor is she to be addressed as 'Galadriel'.<br>273. Lucius Malfoy also does not have pointed ears, nor is he to be addressed as 'Haldir'.  
>274. Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as<br>'Spock'.  
>275. I will stop substituting Professor Lupin's Wolfsbane with Polyjuice Potion containing hairs from Mrs. Norris.<br>276. I am not to stare at the Great Hall ceiling during dinner in the winter and cry 'My god, it's full of stars!'  
>277. I am not to sing 'We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!' when sent to the Headmaster's office'.<br>278. - I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group.  
>279. -Especially not with kazoos.<br>280. The research and manufacture of mind-altering substances will not gain me extra credit in Potions.  
>281. I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass<br>and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.  
>282. When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you<br>are looking for'.  
>283. Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'.<br>284. I am not to hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout 'I... GOT... THE... POWER!'  
>285. I am not a Vampire Slayer and Professor Lupin is not my Watcher.<br>286. -I am not to attempt to stake Professor Snape.  
>287. When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout 'To the Batmobile, Robin!'<br>288. - Or 'Thunder, Thunder, Thunder, THUNDERCATS, HO!'  
>289. Professor Flitwick is not to be referred to as the 'Dungeon Master'.<br>290. I will not try to convert my housemates to Christianity.  
>291. -Or Wicca.<br>292. -This does not mean that my religious rights are being violated.  
>293. I am not allowed to hit Bludgers at spectators.<br>294. -Or the referee.  
>295. I will not commit crimes and then say I was under the Imperius curse.<br>296. I will not insult people and then say I was given Veritaserum.  
>297. -I will not give people Veritaserum.<br>298. The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smartasses and the Junior Death Eaters.  
>299. Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.<br>300. -Neither is Professor Snape.


	4. Chapter 4

301. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.  
>302. The house elves are not there to do my homework.<br>303. Neither are the ghosts.  
>304. I am not a magical creature.<br>305. I am not the reincarnation of Merlin.  
>306. I am not Voldemort's illegitimate love child.<br>307. Professor Snape did not kill my father and does not deserve to die.  
>308. Seamus Finnegan does not have a pot of gold under his bed.<br>309. -Or under his robe.  
>310. I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order 'to see what happens'.<br>311. Grindewald is not my role model.  
>312. -Neither is Voldemort.<br>313. I will not cast 'Petrificus Totalus' on myself in order to avoid going to classes.  
>314. I am not allowed to Accio the clothing of any person while they are wearing it.<br>315. -Including my own.  
>316. I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history<br>in my Muggle Studies class.  
>317. I will not accept anything edible from a Weasley.<br>318. "All's fair in love and war" is not an official rule of Hogwarts.  
>319. I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names.<br>320. I will not attempt to make Professor's Trelawney's predictions come true.  
>321. Professor Snape's problem is not that "he needs to get laid".<br>322. Draco Malfoy is not a ferret animagus.  
>323. Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not improved by the introduction of muggle firearms.<br>324. -Though they are doubtless more athletic, battle-axes are not acceptable either.  
>325. Even if I myself to do not believe in it, I will respect that the school observes daylight savings time.<br>326. Providing Peeves with a case of dungbombs was a socially irresponsible action, and I will not do it again.  
>327. Shouting random Latin phrases while waving my wand is not acceptable charms research.<br>328. Regardless of how much Professor Snape's hair might annoy me, it is inappropriate to sneak into his room at night  
>and shave it off.<br>329. -Likewise, it is unkind to make the aforementioned hair into a wig and wear it to potions class.  
>330. -Nobody cares that it makes me feel "pretty".<br>331. Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not.  
>332. Hogwarts does not require a karaoke machine.<br>333. I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.  
>334. I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.<br>335. "OMGWTF" is not a spell.  
>336. Cornelius Fudge does not appreciate being called "Fudgie the Whale.<br>337. Shouting "Accio Dobby!" is not the proper way to get house-elf assistance.  
>338. I will not go into Dumbledore's pensieve looking for graphic faculty smut.<br>339. It is not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.  
>340. "Defying my will" is not a crime worthy of life in Azkaban, and I should not tell that to the first-years.<br>341. The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much  
>forgivable".<br>342. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.  
>343. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.<br>344. I am not allowed to scare the first-years by screaming "I'm melting! I'm meeeeeeeeeeeltiiing!" while they are in  
>the showers.<br>345. I am not allowed to forget my Omnioculars in either the boys' or the girl's bathroom. Especially not while they are  
>in recording mode.<br>346. I am not allowed to leave the catnip out in Professor McGonagall's class.  
>347. I will not speak to Professor Snape with a Transylvanian accent.<br>348. I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore if the size of his beard is 'compensating for something'.  
>349. I will not give Professor McGonagall catnip, hairball medicine or string for Christmas, no matter how much I think<br>she will like them.  
>350. I will not cast the occasional Oblivate spell on Dumbledore. Even if it would be amusing.<br>351. -Not even if I want to try to convince others he's going senile  
>352. I will not ask if Professor Lupin has had all his shots, such as rabies. Nor will I ask it of Professor<br>McGonagall.  
>353. I will not start a rumor saying that Professor Snape sings "I'm too sexy for my robes" while showering. Or for that<br>matter doing any other activity.  
>354. Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other Klingon house is forbidden.<br>355. Telling people that Professor Snape is an animagus and turns into a snake is not recommended.  
>356. Please do not tell 1st years that the fried chicken is really Kentucky Fried Owl.<br>357. I will not get a muggle tattoo artist to tattoo the Dark Mark on any part of my body.  
>358. I will not tell 1st year Hufflepuffs that the Dark Lord eats Hufflepuffs for breakfast. Or any other meal. And then<br>tell them that if they inform anyone of the warning the Dark Lord will choose them next.  
>359. Singing "Wild Thing, you make my heart sing" whenever you see Professor Lupin is not allowed, even though he likes<br>it.  
>360. Please stop telling 1st years about the time the Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student.<br>361. I am not to "walk on water" in front of muggles.  
>362. I will not compel Seamus Finnegan to pursue people asking them for their Lucky Charms.<br>363. I am not to tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights of Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have my friends/other  
>people to call Ni from various directions.<br>364. Draco Malfoy is not a vampire.  
>365. -Especially not a vampire named 'Spike'.<br>366. Watching "The Food Network" is not equivalent to sitting NEWT-level Potions classes.  
>367. Pinning Confederate flags to the backs of Death Eater masks is not wise.<br>368. Voldemort does not wish to appear in a Visine commercial.  
>369. -Or as the 'before' for a line of cosmetics.<br>370. Hogwarts is in the UK, thus the United States Constitution does not apply to any of its students. Therefore, 'Avada  
>Kedavra' does not fall under First Amendment freedom of speech rights.<br>371. The ceiling of the Great Hall would not look better as an Omni IMAX dome.  
>372. Calling Voldemort "Baldemort" is inappropriate.<br>373. When called upon in class, I shall not insist that the correct answer to everything is '42'.  
>374. I will not create a betting pool on that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father.<br>375. Asking Professor Snape if a house ever fell on his sister is wrong.  
>376. -So is asking him where he keeps his flying monkeys and if I could touch them.<br>377. Headmaster Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka.  
>378. I cannot be a Heffalump animagus.<br>379. Cannot lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive.  
>380. Mr. Weasley's flying car is not to be taken apart piece by piece and rebuilt inside Snape's classroom.<br>381. Cannot charm all dictionaries to have: "Gryffindor" as the definition of "gullible.  
>382. Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles.<br>383. Robes are not optional.  
>384. Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.<br>385. There is no such thing as the "Hufflepuff Marshmallow Man".  
>386. -Even if I do conjure him up.<br>387. Leaving mash notes signed "Your secret admirer, Harry" in Neville Longbottom's books is both unfunny and cruel.  
>388. I will not sing the "Beverly Hillbillies" theme song when the Weasley family passes by.<br>389. -Or the "Hee-Haw" theme song.  
>390. -Or "Eight is Enough".<br>391. Asking the Weasley twins, "So do you do everything together?" is ill advised.  
>392. Telling Lucius what he could do with his staff... is not advisable.<br>393. I will not ask the school to sponsor a break dancing crew.  
>394. Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served.<br>395. Getting Colin Creevey drunk and steering him toward a sleeping Harry Potter is just a bad idea all around.  
>396. -Then using his camera to take incriminating photos is not nice.<br>397. Coming up behind Harry while he and Draco are glowering at each other and saying "Oh, go on and kiss him already!"  
>is not funny.<br>398. -Even if Luna Lovegood does say, "Yes, I thought so too."  
>399. I am not a Balrog animagus.<br>400. The house never did fall on Professor Umbridge's sister, nor is she suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder  
>as a result.<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

401. I may not try to find out if any of the owls are David Bowie in animagus form.  
>402. I will not ask people what their daemons are.<br>403. I will not offer Professor McGonagall lasagna.  
>404. I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they're basically useless because Hogwart's smartest student is in another<br>house.  
>405. I will not call Pizza Hut and ask them to deliver to the common room.<br>406. I will not poison first years. No matter how much I think they need it.  
>407. It is not appropriate trade first years between houses.<br>408. I will not tempt Ravenclaws with apples. I will also not say that the Slytherins have tempted other students with  
>apples.<br>409. Frankenstein is not required reading for DADA classes.  
>410. -Neither is Dracula.<br>411. I will not try to explain the laws of physics, not even for the sake of argument.  
>412. If I even look like I might sing "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" I will be Obliviated.<br>413. Using the 'Petrificus Totalus' curse on Draco Malfoy and dumping him in the Gryffindor common room as a Christmas  
>present to the House means you should watch your back until June.<br>414. -Especially if the Weasley twins were staying over break.  
>415. -If Lee Jordan was there too, you're going to need a bodyguard.<br>416. I will not claim to be able to see the Thestrals if I cannot.  
>417. -I will not tell first years that "any true wizard or witch" can see Thestrals, and that if they can't they<br>"obviously aren't cut out for this school".  
>418. I am not to tell Muggleborn first-years that Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans taste better when one eats a whole<br>handful simultaneously.  
>419. I will not take out a life insurance policy on any Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.<br>420.I will not attempt to repel Dementors by covering myself in chocolate body paint.  
>421. I will not sneak up behind Draco and Harry while they are in their Staring Snarky Yelling Matches and yell, "SLASH<br>SLASH SLASH! LET'S SEE SOME SLASH!"  
>422. I will not give Hagrid Pokmon cards and convince him that they are real animals<br>423. -Likewise, I will not tell First Year Muggle-borns that Pokmon battles are a part of the Care of Magical Creatures  
>curriculum<br>424. I am not qualified to perform exorcisms on Hogwarts ghosts, and attempting to do so will merely offend them.  
>425. Draco Malfoy is not the secret identity of "Ferret Boy".<br>426. Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin".  
>427. Telling Draco Malfoy to "make like a ferret and bounce" is always a bad idea.<br>428. The Crucible is not summer reading for History of Magic, and I should not tell First Years that it is.  
>429. "You might be a Pureblood if..." jokes will get me in trouble, especially in front of Slytherins.<br>430. I will not play the Darth Vader theme for Professor Snape.  
>431. - However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.<br>432. The bludger is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. I will not attempt to prove  
>otherwise.<br>433. If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a  
>nom-de-plume.<br>434. - I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good in tap shoes.  
>435. The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror.<br>436. -Transfiguring Draco Malfoy's uniform into a gold thong is inappropriate.  
>437. -Especially if he's wearing it.<br>438. Crabbe and Goyle should not be referred to as "Bulk and Skull". "Dumb and Dumber" is equally inappropriate.  
>439. -I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as "Team Rocket" either.<br>440. Comparing Draco Malfoy to Alex Krycek, Lindsay McDonald, Lex Luthor or any similar character is not an appropriate  
>subject for a Muggle Studies essay.<br>441. I will not attempt to determine whether Malfoy is a natural blond.  
>442. Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle's first names are, respectively, Draco, Vincent and Gregory, not Larry, Darryl and<br>Darryl.  
>443. The Slytherin Quidditch team should not be referred to as "Draco Malfoy and a moderate amount of cross-dressing".<br>444. -Even if that is an accurate description.  
>445. The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.<br>446. "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.  
>447. I am not allowed to spank others.<br>448. -Even if Malfoy liked it.  
>449. No matter how vast the uses and entertaining the results, I will not indulge in fun with duct tape.<br>450. -This goes double for superglue.  
>451. I am not to dance naked in the great hall.<br>452. -Or on the grounds.  
>453. -Generally, dancing naked is wrong.<br>454. Despite the appearances of the employees and the vaults, Gringotts is not the entrance to the Labyrinth.  
>455. -While in the company of goblins, I must not demand that I be taken to Jareth.<br>456. -Nor shall I tell them "You remind me of the babe.  
>457. Draco Malfoy no longer requires a nanny, nor does he need tucking in and "a bit of a cuddle" at bedtime.<br>458. - Not even if he insists that he does. And that his father has hired me to provide said service.  
>459. I am not to call Hogwarts "the most covert anti-Death Eater organization on the planet.<br>460. The Easter Bunny is not Jesus' Animagus form.  
>461. I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother<br>and sister?"  
>462. I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.<br>463. I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.  
>464. I will not write forged letters home to the parents of Muggleborn first years detailing the Satanic rituals they<br>are learning.  
>465. I will not ask Dobby why he doesn't look more like Orlando Bloom.<br>466. - Nor will I ask him if he works for Santa Claus in the off-season.  
>467. I will not invite Professor Snape to a midnight showing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show".<br>468. -The same goes double for Voldemort.  
>469. -Likewise, I will no longer be permitted to refer to Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange as Riff Raff and<br>Magenta.  
>470. -Especially to their faces.<br>471. I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Lupin's office door.  
>472. Draco Malfoy does not appreciate being called 'Ferret Boy'<br>473. -Or 'The Blond Boy Wonder'  
>474. Hagrid's skin is not green and I should stop calling him 'The Jolly Green Giant.'<br>475. Sending love notes to Professor Snape and signing them 'With Love, Draco Malfoy' is not appropriate.  
>476. -Neither is signing them with: 'I had a great time last night, Argus Filch.'.<br>477. Breaking into song during Potions class is not acceptable.  
>478. -Especially if the song is 'I feel pretty, oh so pretty'.<br>479. Or 'I'm too sexy'.  
>480. I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and should stop shouting this at meal<br>times.  
>481. Lucius Malfoy's cane is not a 'pimp cane'.<br>482. I must never sneak up behind Draco Malfoy and coo "How's my Blondie-Bear?"  
>483. Teaching first years to chorus in unison "The amazing bouncing ferret" whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is<br>just wrong, funny, but wrong.  
>484. It's not tasteful to approach Cho wearing a shirt that says `All the good-looking ones die young` with a picture of<br>Cedric Diggory on it.  
>485. I am not to tell Draco that I know all about his affair with Hermione Granger.<br>486. -Especially if it's not true.  
>487. -I also cannot sell the story to Rita Skeeter.<br>488. -Or owl Lucius, Narcissa, or Bellatrix with the imaginary details  
>489. A ferret is not a proper Christmas gift for Draco Malfoy.<br>490. -Asking Mad-Eye Moody to turn Malfoy back into a ferret so I could keep him as a pet was not appropriate, either.  
>491. -Giving Draco a bowl of ferret pellets with his dinner was not an act of kindness, nor was it funny.<br>492. Voldemort is not my homeboy.  
>493. No matter how creepy and abandoned some of the towers are, I will not find Johnny Depp with scissors for hands in<br>any of them.  
>494. Asking Harry how his parents are doing is just cruel.<br>495. Repeat: Draco and Harry are not secret lovers. Draco and Harry are not secret lovers.  
>496. Dont tell Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs that Lucius Malfoy goes around singing "Dance, Dark Lord, Dance".<br>497. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to get a room every time they start fighting.  
>498. -Nor will I say this to Harry and Snape.<br>499. -Or Harry and Draco.  
>500. Draco Malfoy does not smell almost subliminally of summer peaches.<br>501. Bungee jumping off the astronomy tower is against the rules, even if it isn't written anywhere.  
>502. Using Love potion number nine on people are illigal. Therefore I should not make Harry fall in love with Pansy<br>Parkinson. Again.


	6. Chapter 6

503. Snape does not take singing requests, therefore I should stop asking him to sing "Tearing Up My Heart"  
>504. -or any other songs<br>505. this list being used as a checklist is inappropriate, therefore i shouldn't do so  
>506. I will not refer to Voldemort as "Voldie-Poo"<br>507. I will not enchant Draco so that he looks Emo/Goth to everyone around him except himself  
>508.I will not Turn myself into Malfoy (Polly juice potion) and tell everyone in Hogwarts my undying love for Pansy<br>Parkinson...again  
>509. I did not see Malfoy making out with Cho, Crabb, or Goyle in the girls bathroom, therefore i should not tell Harry<br>loudly in the great hall.  
>510. I will not sell the sorting hat for money for ciggerates<br>511. I will not mix up potions and magic stuff together and make Ron drink it and tell him it is soda that tastes like  
>that because a bunny made it just for him<br>512. I will not bring an evil creature from the 8th dimension and call it my pet  
>513. I won't dress up in a black robe, wear a bald wig and tell people that I'm Voldemort.<br>514. I won't dress up as the "Dark Magician" or the "Dark Magician Girl" in class.  
>515. Hogwarts does NOT teach you how to banish people to the "shadow realm".<br>516. I will not yell "Hey look It's Lord Voldemort!" at Hogsmeade  
>517. - nor will I yell that there is the dark mark floating over somewhere<br>518. I will not walk up to Ron and Hermione and say they're the perfect couple  
>519. - Nor will I tell that to Harry and Ginny<br>520. - Nor Malfoy and Pansy  
>521. I will not tease Voldemort about the time he needed his pink flowery teddy bear to comfort him when he had that bad<br>bad nightmare about Harry  
>522. - Nor will I do the same thing with Malfoy and his blanky<br>523. - Nor Snape with his girly girly bunny rabbit slippers  
>524. I will not tell Lockheart that he is actually a dancer who stars in Swan Lake<br>525. I will not write Moogles instead of Muggles  
>526. I will not ask harry if i can have a thunder bolt scar too<br>527. I will not ask Malfoy is cole his brother  
>528. - nor snape<br>529. Draco is not billy idol's little brother  
>530. I will not ask draco if i can use his face cream531. Saying voldy is my hero is bad<br>532. I will not say that Harry has a female counterpart who stars in a kids education show.  
>533. -nor will I say that her name is Sharry Spotter.<br>534. I will not steal Draco's blanky  
>535. I will not yell i saw Draco and snape last night! in the great hall or anywere<br>536. I will not charm Hermione's cat to jump up and yell Rawr i'm he-who-must-not-be-named!  
>537. I will not try and get zombies to eat Draco<br>538. -nor snape  
>539.I will not follow anyone around saying "pimp hat" at the most random moments<br>540. i will not refer to Fred and George as Hikaru and Kaouru  
>541. Pokemon are not real, therefore i will not convince Hagrid that Pokemon are real animals so that he'll have a leson<br>all about pokemon.  
>542. I will not call Professor Dumbledore 'Dumbydork'.<br>543. I will not confuse Voldemort with Xehanort,  
>544. -nor will I say they are related in any way,<br>545. -nor mention that their names rhyme.  
>546. I will not yell, "Harry has a girlfriend! Harry loves Ginny!" in the great hall<br>547. - nor will I yell, "Ron loves Hermione!" in the great hall  
>548. I will not charm a poster of Britney Spears on Draco's wall<br>549: Luna Lovegood is NOT always on "physicidelic mushrooms" and i should stop implying that she is.  
>550:- the same goes for Profesore Trelawny<br>551:- calling that drug something else changes nothing.  
>552:-nor does saying they are high on some OTHER drug.<br>553. I will not tell Dumbledore that there are people outside the books who despise him  
>554. - nor will I say the same thing to Harry<br>555. I will not tell Voldemort that he's too freaken lazy to do stuff himself.  
>556. Cho is not on anti- depresants, nor should i imply that she needs them.<br>557. Cho's curly haired friend Marietta with her SNEAK pimples is not "before" for a mag.  
>558. -Rita Skeeter is not "after"<br>559. Dobby is not Harry's secret lover, no matter how much he wants to be.  
>560. Saying he's "obviously not good enough..." is just cruel.<br>561. calling the ASPCA about the way Ron treated Scabbers (wormtail) is pointless, as he is already dead, on the run, or  
>a accomplise depending on where in the books you<br>are.  
>562: I will not send Fainting Fancies to the Slythrin common room without a antidote, and only a card saying "to the<br>pretty-est girl in the house". Again.  
>563:I will not blame the Ravenclaw quiditch team for the entire female population of slytherin being unconcience for no<br>apparent reason.  
>564: i will not let my owl claw out the eyes of the slytherins<br>565: i will not let my wand run amok and paint everyones faces purple  
>566:i am not to call people with freckles "spotted owls"<br>567: i will not eat liver then throw it up on proffessor snape  
>568: i will not punch the wandboards until they expload<br>569. I will stop insisting that Snape and Hermione are secret admirors.  
>570. - Same goes for McGonagall and Dumbledore<br>571 Nearly headless nick does not approve of being called Casper the Friendly Ghost.  
>572 The fact that dudley didnt like his pig tail does not mean i should keep switching to differnt tails to find one he<br>likes better.  
>573 If muggle children near the school WANTED their baseballs replaced with bludgers they would have said.<br>574 i will not convince everyone that girlnextdoor101 is a horcrux, and that for the sake of the world she MUST die.  
>575 i will not convince everyone that thegirlnextdoor101 is lord voldemort after drinking polyjuice<br>576 no matter how much i want to, i will not go into slythrin house, where i will without a doubt find  
>thegirlnextdoor101 and murder her, then say "sorry harry, she was a death eater-in-training. she and malfoy were in this<br>together,but i figured id leave him to you.  
>577 i will not ask real-moody if the real him would turn Malfoy into a feret just like the fake moody did.<br>578 if he says yes, i will not ask him to turn thegirlnextdoor101 into a racoon, a naked mole rat, a vole, or any other  
>rodent.<br>579 i will not speak out about how in-humane it is to use vanishing charms on living creatures, because im sure i will  
>just be told to "get off my soap box"<br>580 to actualy make a soap box to stand on, is inappropriet.  
>581 the sorcerers stone is destroyed and even though they are annoying, first year slytherins should not be told its<br>still down there, as they all want imortality,and the devils snare gets them every time.  
>582 no one at hogwarts will buy Harry's gravy stained napkins and having proved this i will not try selling at hogsmead<br>either.  
>583 even if interested buyers like colin creevy found me at diagon ally, i shouldnt be selling harry's gravy stained<br>napkin.  
>584 it doesnt matter that he offered me 2 galleons, eleven sickles.<br>585 i will not use a time turner to hex Malfoy andthegirlnextdoor101 and then have  
>eye witness's chip in that they saw me in the place of my alaby<br>586 i will not bring up and say its an informational website about a  
>unique breed of diversifide creatures, or insist we use the website to learn to care<br>for them properly  
>591 i will not tell Dumbledore that his appearance is "feeding stereotypes"<br>592 i will not tell that muggles aren't worth his valuable time.  
>593 i will not enchant pink girly stuffed animals to go around hugging students i dont like in front of large crowds of<br>people.  
>594 i will not tell Luna Lovegood that they are Bang Ended Scoots, and that the ministry has been breeding them to<br>fight all who oppose them  
>595 i will not create a Trouble makers Hall Of Fame. As such it will not be next to the portable swamp fred and george<br>set up, and won't have pictures of harry's dad and sirius. i will also not have people vote for best trouble maker of  
>the year.<br>596: i will not sing songs that say draco is a dork  
>597: -same goes for the rest of the students at hogwarts<br>598: while at this school i will behave myself as if i were a muggle  
>599: i am not to go in muggle territory<br>600: i will not make anyone nose bleed with the charm "Nose Zap"  
>601: i will not try to make a cross breed between Hippogriffs and Gryphons<br>602: transfiguration is not for making super-ultra-hybrid betwen beavers and platapus's, beavepus's and otter,  
>beavterpus's with normal beaver, extra beavery beavterpus's with normal platapus's, extra beaverpusy beavterpus with<br>regular otters just to create the ultimate aquatic mammal.


	7. Chapter 7

603: just becuase moody can through wood doesnt mean i should ask him what boggarts look like  
>604:I am sure the mer-people have their hands full with the giant squid, so jumping<br>into the lake and shouting "accio champ!" would be mean  
>605:-likewise to "accio lock ness monster!"<br>606: i will not point out to harry while he struggles to figure out what the mirror of erised does to tell dumbledore,  
>that Erised is "disire" spelled backwards<br>607: I will not tell Rufus Scrimingour that gnomes are not "funny little chaps" at all.  
>608: to prove the point above i will not tell a crowd of gnomes that they will never be de-gnomed again if they sneak<br>into Rufus Scrimingour's clothes and bite as hard as they can  
>609 i will not try to lure the basilisk into aragogs web to see what creature would make it out alive.<br>610: i will not sell tickets to WATCH a basilisk and a giant spider kill each other.  
>611 i will not find people with muggle parents who like wresteling and point out how violent and stupid it is.<br>612 i will not tell dumbledore that the wrestling fan attacked me first, and that i had every right to hex him.  
>613 i will not refer to wresting as "muggle dueling with a ref" in front of the previously mentioned fan, no matter how<br>much i feel i need to practice the leg locker curse.  
>614: i will not sing the "harry potter puppet pals"<br>615: if i am to mess up any of these rules i will have to clean the girl and boys restroom fo 3 months while i sing  
>twinkle twinkle little star<br>616:i will not find 1st years on the hogwarts express and say "good luck to you! i hear this year they've got a troll to  
>fight to decide your house. man, in my year we just had to fight fire crabs!"<br>617:i will not tell colin creevy to use brain.  
>618:i will not tell denis creevy to use his brain.<br>619:i will not tell denis creevy to use colin's brain.  
>620:i will not tell myself that i should stop saying "i will not tell"<br>621:I will not start to sing "From The Wall" in the middle of class and stand on the tables.  
>622:I will not become a rat animagus and re-name myself Yuki.<br>623:I will not become a cat animagus and re-name myself Kyo.  
>624:I will not become a dog animagus and re-name myself Shigure.<br>625:i will not shout the secret about Akito(found in volume 17) in the great hall, hoping to ruin it to those still  
>reading.<br>626:I will not say that Peter Pettigrew is Yuki in disguise.  
>627:i will not ask Professor Mcgonagle "Kyo, why do you look like a woman?"<br>628:i will not ask sirius how his love novels are going.  
>629:I will not ask Olivander how many dragons had to die befor they figured out heart strings were the things with<br>magical properties.  
>630:I will not write out Harry Potter series quizes for first years and say the have to leave if they don't get 100%.<br>631:no questions on said quiz will ask about the scar over dumbledors left knee that is a perfect map of the London  
>Under Ground.<br>632:I will not explain how i remebered that.  
>633:I will not kill anyone in Hogwarts and blame Voldemort for the crime<br>634:i will not let emu's run rampid across the great hall  
>635:i will not commite suicide.<br>636:i will not let anyone else commite suicide.  
>637:I will not sing ' were off to see the wizard' while being sent to the headmaster's office<br>638: I will not sing "do you believe in magic" while walking to muggle studies  
>639:I will not switch my cauldron with hermione's when she's not looking.<br>640:I will not eat a 'nosebleed' treat to get outta class.  
>641:I will not use the room of requirment to see the inside of a volcanoe.<br>642: I will ask the director of the Harry Potter movies how he knew to make the Sorting Hat a boy, as I'm not sure I  
>even want to find out.<br>643:I will stop insisting Nevilles in love with the new mandrakes.  
>and DO NOT make a perfect couple.<br>645:I will stop looking through old Prophets to see if Snapes related to Madam Pince or Filch  
>646:I will not ask Proffesor Snape if he still has his gray underpants.<br>647:I will not teach to use a computer and have him e-mail pictures of Britney Spears to Snape saying that  
>it's the actor who plays him in the movie.<br>648:and when Proffesor Snape confronts me(again)I will not yell "HEY!SEVVY HAS A  
>GIRLFRIEND!"for anyone in the corridor to hear(again)<br>649:I will not send Dobby to Proffesor Snapes room with shampoo and conditioner.  
>650: especially not American Girl<br>651:I will not charm the great hall to play slayer when draco comes in  
>652:nor when snape comes in.<br>653:I will not use the room of requirment to host a 'snape needs some sugar' party  
>654:I will not try the Super Sensory charm to listen to what the other gender really talks about.<br>656:I will not change my appearance by magic, run in to the corridor near Snape's dungeon, and sing Scream-o songs at  
>the top of my lungs, wait until he sees, then run.<br>657:When I hear Harry shouting (again) in the fifth book, I will not stick my head in and say "bad things happen to  
>good people."<br>658:I will not yell VOLDY IS MY MENTOR anywhere in hogwarts.  
>659:I will not use the room of requirment to have the backstreetboys play in hogwarts.<br>660:Luna lovegood is not on drugs  
>661:nor will i give her some<br>662:I will not blast people with balls of magic.  
>663:Or with any other substance.<br>664:And I will not sing "It's a kind of magic" while blasting people.  
>665:I will not sell any of these things i'm not supposed to do to first years retitaling it"Things I'm allowed to do at<br>hogwarts"  
>666:no matter which teacher I intend to share my fortune with.<br>667:I will not tell Harry the veil at the department of mysteries is actually a magical tranasporter that took Sirius to  
>the Bahamas<br>668:The next time I see Professors Dumbledore and Snape talking,I will not shout"Man,I knew Dumbledore was gay,but he's  
>losing his taste"<br>669: even if i run very fast  
>670:i will only use this list for things i'm not allowed to do,not to comment that I can avoid Proffesor Snape.<br>671:i will not ask Sirius if his middle name is Lee  
>672:i will not ask Hagrid how he was created,because frankly I do not want to know<br>673:i will not put dead spiders in Georges ear hole.  
>674:-or anything else for that matter<br>675:i will not X ray Madam Maxime and compare her bones to a dinosaurs  
>676:i will not put my findings on the notice board<br>677:i will not play "Crank that,Soulja Boy" during potions class and ask Proffesor Snape to join in the dancing.  
>678: even if he does know the moves<br>679:Voldemort is not Hilary Clinton in disguise  
>680: I will not write on the front of my black notebook 'Death Note'<br>681: - nor will I enchant said 'Death Note' to have anyone who touches it sees a flying monster  
>682:I will not throw frogspawn at Nevil.<br>683:-nor will I throw it at anyone else.  
>684:I will not create the magical equavilant of a Nuclear explosion. It's just dumb.<br>685:I will not conjure up lemons and say "Life hath given thou LEMONS!"  
>686:I will not turn anyones robes into a turtle.<br>687:-It being a rare breed of Painted TUrtles that could be used for breeding makes no difference.  
>688:I am never to introduce myself as "Talia, the Queens Own" or ask where my Companion Rolan has gone<br>689:- likewise refering to myself as Herald-Mage Vanyel is wrong.  
>690:-I will not ask Draco Malfoy if Snape is good in bed.<br>691:-I will also not ask about Harry Potter  
>692:-I will also not ask Harry Potter if Snape is good in bed.<br>693:-I will also not ask Snape if Lucius Malfoy is good in bed.  
>694:-I will not refer to Professor Snape as "Sevvykins".<br>695:-Or "Snivellus".  
>696:- I will not stand on the Desk in potions class and sing "From The Wall"<br>697:- While doing so I may not point to Snape at "No Dark sarcasm in the class room"  
>698:- I may not pay Hagrid, Peeves, or any other non-teacher to burst in and say "Hey! You, Teacher! Leave those kids<br>alone!"  
>699:- I will not Imply that Professor Snape is Ozzy Ozbourne.<br>700:- I will not ask Professor Snape how "Ozzy is"  
>701:- Professor Snape is in no way related to Ozzy Ozbourne.<br>702:- Draco Malfoy is not Billy Idol.  
>703:- Nor is he an Albino.<br>704:- Nor will I tell the first years this.  
>705:- I am not to tell First years that Dumbledore is Santa's brother.<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

706:I am not to imply that if Hogwarts had a special needs group then Dumbledors sister could have gotten help.  
>707:I am not to ask the house elves if the Griffindors could have Cheetos and Doritos with dinner.<br>708:I cannot ask the house elves to carve the ham into a human head and serve it to Slytherin.  
>709:Nor any other body part.<br>710:I will not spread the rumor that Umbridge was muggle born.  
>711:I won't put new born babies under the sorting hat just to confuse it.<br>712:I will not put owls under the sorting hat just to confuse it.  
>713:I will not ask which house Dumbldor was in.<br>714: nor will I suggest that he was in the wrong one, for we all know he is incredibly brave and extremly clever.  
>715:I will not ask Mrs. Pince to find me the manga section.<br>716:I will not bet on how many paper planes stick in professer snapes hair.  
>717:I did not see Pansy in the Slytherin common room singing 'I Kissed A Girl' and I should stop telling people that I<br>did.  
>718:-I also did not see her singing 'Pansylicious'.<br>719:-The same goes for Hermoine  
>720:- I will not stand in the middle of the great hall and sing, "I may be a tiny chimney sweep but I have an<br>enormous...broom"  
>721:- Nor anywhere else for that matter.<br>722:- I am not aloud to sing the aforementioned song at all.  
>723-I will not go down to the kitchens, get a bowl of grapes, and then make them peel them for me.<br>724-No aligators. No exceptions.  
>725-I will not challenge Aragog and his mate to a "14 legged race" no matter how fun the out come would be.<br>726-Demanding to the Minister why wizards weren't out magicly helping the Giant Panda populations is highly frowned  
>upon.<br>728-writing a buisness letter about it doesn't stop it from being rude.  
>729-Writing TWO buisness letter likewise changes nothing.<br>730-even if I did say "Dear" at the begining.  
>731-There has never been and there isn't now a great lord Waldemart and you are discouraged from voicing that idea in<br>front of Voldemort  
>732-You are also greatly discouraged from saying that he is the greatest wizard in the world because Voldemort might not<br>respond do that too kindly.  
>733-Screaming out "I saw Harry and Draco down in the dungeons snogging each other" in the middle of the great hall is<br>not appropriate.  
>734-Nor in any other place<br>735-Even if everyone finds it amusing  
>736-Using wizard swears inside the walls of hogwarts is also forbidden even if Dumbledore has forgotten he set this<br>rule.  
>737-Selling photoshoped pictures of Harry and Voldemort making out is not a way to earn money.<br>738-Even every student buys them and sticks them up on their walls.  
>739-Turning Draco Malfoy into a ferret is not funny anymore.<br>740-Casting the Imperius curse to make him transfigure himself into a ferret is even less appropriate.  
>741-Enchanting mistletoe to take up the properties of devil snare is not funny.<br>742-Enchanting the armour around Hogwarts to barge into Slytherin Common Room and start singing "Ding dong, the heir of  
>Slytherin is dead" or "Ding, dong, Voldemort is dead" the night Voldemort is defeated is not allowed.<br>743-Nor is enchanting them to go to Gryffindor Common Room and sing "Ding, Dong, James and Lily Potter are dead"  
>744-Telling first years that at the end of the year they have to do an exam involving<br>a three-headed dog, devil snare, an oversized chess board, flying keys, and a table  
>of potions, one which will kill you, and then in the end battling the DADA professor,<br>who has he-who-must-not-be-named bluging out on the back of his head is not funny, or  
>allowed.<br>745-Enchanting a bludger to hit Crabbe or Goyle on the back of the head to see if  
>they have any brain cells to loose is not considered an appropriate Charms homework<br>experiment .  
>746-Even if the it proves that they don't.<br>747-I will not cast the imperius curse on Snape and make him sing 'I'm to sexy' and  
>strip of his shirt no matter how amusing the idea is.<br>748-Nor will i charm him to sing 'I feel pretty' and dance around with the moves from  
>Bet On It no matter what youtube video i got the idea from.<br>749-I will never destroy anything with my magic until after class.  
>750-I will never use Harry Potter's husk as a doll to fool the Hogwart's members with.<br>751-I will never bring a computer to Hogwarts  
>752-I will never use PowerPoint to try to explain the plot of the 7th book<br>753-I will never $pEk fr|n lNgug3  
>754-I will never call Severus Snape, or Voldemort, n00bs<br>755. Victor Krum is in no way like jack sparrow.  
>756. I should not ask to see his kracken.<br>757. Voldemort is not davy jones.  
>758. I am not allowed to ask to see his kracken either.<br>759. Snape has no interest in going down 'to the paradise city, where the grass is green  
>and the girls are pretty' and i should stop sending invitations to aforemention place<br>760. I will not run up to faculty and slap them with fish, no matter how humorous the  
>results.<br>761. Under no circumstances am I allowed to sing the entire soundtrack of ANY Rogers and  
>Hammerstein musical in public<br>762. -And if I do, broadcasting it over the entire school results in extra consequences.  
>763. Despite how interested I am in Werewolves I am not allowed to replace Professor<br>Lupin's Wolfsbane with water in order to track his transformation.  
>764. - Nor am I allowed to remove it for the purpose of becoming a Werewolf as well.<br>765. Despite how much I like dogs, putting a leash on Professor Lupin us inappropriate.  
>766. I will not call proffesor trelawney "phsycadelic" or "tubular"<br>767. -or snape SO pissed!  
>768. I am not to insist that 'Sweeney Todd' has set up shop in the owlery and that Dobby is moonlighting as 'Mrs.<br>Lovett'.  
>769. Dobby is also not looking for 'his precious'<br>770. After an arguement with Harry I am not allowed to comeback with "Go cry to your Mama "  
>771. Hogwarts is not holding auditions for America's next top model and I should stop telling the first years<br>otherwise.  
>772. Hermione doesn't find it amusing to have her notebooks charmed to chorus 'Hermione Weasely'<br>773. -Or 'Hermione Malfoy'  
>774. Dressing up as the muggle George Washington and attempting to chop down the Whomping Willow is not advised.<br>775. Claiming the voices inside my head made me do something is not an adequete(sp?) excuse for anything.  
>776. Nor is claiming my evil twin Larry did it.<br>777. Dumbledore does not wish to participate in my amateur porno and I should stop asking.  
>778- I am ABSOLUTELY not allowed to enchant Umbridges shoes to make them clop like hoofs when she walks, no matter how<br>much Fred would have loved it.  
>779- I am not allowed to send an owl to Mrs. Wesley and ask where Fred's hand on her clock is pointing...thats just<br>mean.  
>780- I am not allowed to buy Voldemort a poodle and paint it's fur pink.<br>781- I am not allowed to kill said poodle in his sleep and hang its bloody carcass from the ceiling of Voldemort's  
>bedroom.<br>782- I will not use Veritaserum on Snape to confirm our suspicions that he is, indeed, a virgin.  
>783- Conversely, I will not use the above-named potion to find out just how many<br>times he's pleasured himself while using Legilimens on Harry and watching him see  
>Lily in the mirror of Erised.<br>784- I will never, ever, EVER serenade Draco Malfoy with "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic."  
>785- I will tell Luna Lovegood that if and only if she consumes poison mead, she will<br>be able to see Nagrles, Wrackspurts and other such creatures with the naked eye.  
>786- I will not steal Luna Lovegood's bottlecork charm.<br>787- I will not ask Dean Thomas is 'Jesus was a brotha.'  
>788- I will not ask Professor Telawney if she supports the legalization of marijuana.<br>789- Or if she is a vegetarian.  
>790- Or if she can see auras.<br>791- I am never to break Mr. Weasley's heart by telling him that rubber ducks do not have a 'function' per say.  
>792- No one is to EVER EVER EVER play music by Justin Bieber, in Hogwarts or anywhere else for that matter.<br>793- I am not allowed to play the line: "But that was when I ruled the world" from "Viva La Vida" by Cold Play for  
>Voldemort.<br>794- I am not allowed to sell Pool Passes to the First Years and tell them the pool is on the 7th Floor.  
>795- I will not ask Filch how often he turns into a cat<br>796- Nor if he does so to get with Mrs. Norris.  
>797- I will not ask how he changes, hes a squib.<br>798- I will really not ask if Mrs. Norris is good in bed.  
>799- I will not point and laugh at Harry, exclaiming how all the death threats Trelawney made were actually true.<br>800 - Professor Snape does not find the phrase "Lockheart is my baby daddy" remotely humorous, especially when written  
>on any of his belongings.<br>801 - Spongebob is not a new Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean flavor.  
>802 - - Neither is parsnip.<br>803 - - Seeing who can sell the most fake flavors to first years is not an appropriate pastime, and I am not going to  
>keep their money.<br>804 – Vanishing Muggles' books, keys, clothes, cars, etc., is not funny in any way.  
>805 – Valentine and Voldemort are not the same person.<br>806 – - Neither are Jace and Draco. Or Clary and Ginny.  
>807 – - On that note, Draco and Ginny are not in love.<p> 


End file.
